Probably the sickness/Nyquil talking…
I feel like shit and downed some shots of Nyquil so this probably will make zero sense. I’m just over thinking.
DISCLAIMER: If you don’t want to read my rambling about the past/guys then stop right now.
I’m so sick of thinking about you. It got better for awhile but now it has become so persistant. Next month it will have been 2 years since I’ve seen or spoke to you, I should have you erased completely by now. I still remember the last things we said to each other/how loud I was screaming at you/how I was crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I remember every shitty thing you did to me and every good thing you said to me. There are some things you told me that I will take to my grave. Sometimes those things plague me because I cannot grasp how someone could completely go back on those words. I’ve lost friends in the past, but there was something about losing you that was so incredibly different.
I wonder how long it took you to get over the habit of picking up your phone late at night to dial my number. I wonder if it even took you long at all. There are still nights when I’m half asleep and expecting to hear your ring tone. I answered every time. I was there through so much. And I remember the exact moment when I realized how real everything concerning you was. It’s not there at all anymore and I still can’t understand it.
I think I still hold on to your words and the idea of you because I haven’t found the person to replace them and I’m scared I never will.
Then there is you. You might read this. You follow me on here but are in one of those phases where I don’t exist again. I see a lot of him in you, both the good and bad. I feel like when I first met you I wanted to shape you into something like him. And in a way that’s how you have become because of how up and down you are with me. One day you talk to me like an old friend and then next you act I don’t exist. I let him do it to me for 4 years and I’m pretty sure it destroyed some part of me. That’s what makes it so easy for you to get away with ignoring me/coming back/ignoring/coming back etc. I’ve told you before that I want to believe you are a good person and I’m still waiting for you to prove that to me without any doubt and not just for a few days. You either want me in your life or you don’t. It’s impossible to have both. I’m not trying to get you to date me by any means, even though I did like you at one point…I’m not sure what I’m trying to get you to do to be honest. Maybe I just want you there, but you hurt me more than you realize sometimes.
I don’t know anymore.
I wish I was strong enough to forget some things and let them go.
